Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I feel seen.