wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19