My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car