You Might Also Like
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.