Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You Might Also Like
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Meow
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE