just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.