If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
nobody’s gonna understand
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.