I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
You Might Also Like
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format