Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
You Might Also Like
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Called it
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Brands during Pride
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls