I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
You Might Also Like
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free