I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.