Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
never compromise your values
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
dogs can find happiness so easily
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.