ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*