Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.