THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Wait for it
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime