If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My plans: 2020:
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.