“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Yes, but it was never about money
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Pretty much. 🤣
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.