what?
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.