why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today