The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
(2022)
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.