When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.