bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
work smarter, not harder
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”