Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
respect
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”