me: my friends:
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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.