Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Home is where your toilet is.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.