Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Perfect
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Generation gap…
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her: