We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.