SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.