If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cat is stressing him out.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what