Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Cheer up.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Poetry is my passion