One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
why I oughta
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”