me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
You Might Also Like
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy