Facebook marketplace is a different world
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I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent