Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
every college guy’s fridge
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Well, this certainly took a turn
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.