The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh