cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
You Might Also Like
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
6: are snakes just neck?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Duolingo getting serious.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾