My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to