My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
In space, no one can hear…
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.