[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
yeah not falling for this one
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.