I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.