My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?