Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*