Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
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[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Bill is short for Billiam
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.