awkward
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
A family that plays together cheats.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night