You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.