I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”