Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.