nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time