Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
no one ever comes back
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there