I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Holy moly
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
me, after any kind of buffet.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit